In light of two gold medals for the Philippines in the Olympics recently, there was also an avalanche of family controversy just laid out for the public to feast on. If you know, you know.
This controversy brought forward sentiments from those who believe that children should live out their entire lives for the sake of their parents, the exhausted breadwinners, and those who sympathise on either side left in between.
The Toxicity That Many Children Grow Up On
In the Philippines, even to this day and age, it is very common for people to think that one should have children so they can be well taken care of when they get older. There are children grow up in the belief that they will soon get their parents (sometimes even an entire family) out of poverty.
This clip from a segment in Eat Bulaga before shows a very common expectation of many parents in the country:
Even at a very young age, many children will start hearing about what is expected of them, what college degrees are most profitable, aiming for jobs with the highest possible income, and eventually earning enough to support the very family that their parents started.
These are expected of those children for the mere fact that they owe their lives to their parents and have been provided for since they were born, which is obviously the parent's legal responsibility for choosing to birth new humans into the world. Heck, even those who have been abused or not provided well in childhood are expected to give back to their parents as well.
It is a generational curse that will get one under hot fire if they try to go against it or even talk about it.
Children Are Not Investment and Retirement Funds
If you visit forums on Reddit like r/adultingph or r/panganaysupportgroup, a very common sentiment is how the parents stop working the moment their oldest child gets a job at any point in their lives. This brings them forth as the breadwinners of their families, supporting their parents at a very young age. They are also expected to pay for their siblings' education, build their parents a nice home, pay for vacations, etc.
Many young adults in the Philippines are burned out at a young age because of the heavy responsibility passed on to them. They are not only having difficult times making ends meet, but they are also weighed down by the lack of direction in their own adult lives. How can they save up and plan for their own future when they are forever paying for responsibilities that are not their own?
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to give back to your parents if you can. I am placing very heavy emphasis on the phrase "if you can." The thing is, most children are demonised for not being able to do so or not wanting to.
Children are not tickets for their parents's retirements. They are not investment bonds that are only kept alive for future returns. If you, as a parent, want a comfortable life after retirement, you should make it a point as an adult to work on that yourself. Even if the child has hundreds of millions in the bank, it is not right to expect them to give back a percentage of that to anyone if they don't want to.
Expecting a child at any age to assume an adult's responsibility is exploitative and abusive. I said what I said.
A Debt That Can Never Be Repaid
Dani Barretto, a celebrity mum and influencer, went through hot fire for her sentiments on utang na loob (debt of gratitude) towards parents. She said, "Hindi ka pwedeng magkaroon ng utang na loob sa mga bagay na dapat nilang gawin para sayo." (You should not be indebted for the things they should be giving to you.)
@bareitallpodcast Let’s stop this toxic culture 😫 #fyp #pinoypodcast #podcast #familyproblems #parentissues #lifeadvice #lifelessons ♬ Late Night Melancholy - Rude Boy
She is talking about how some parents would use the arguments that they have made sacrifices just for their children to have good lives as justification for their expectations that one day, their children would do the same thing for them.
This is attributed as utang na loob by most parents.
Dani went on to emphasise that her point, which many people missed, was that children should not be obligated to give back if they cannot.
Hypothetically, if it is a valid argument that children should give back as their utang na loob for getting to where they are or even just for being alive, how will they ever repay that? When will it end? Are there calculations? The answer is no. If the things parents did for their children (mostly their legal obligations) are to be accounted for, the child will never be able to finish repaying that debt.
The children will never be able to start preparing for their own adult lives if they spend their entire early adult years supporting families they did not create. The risk of repeating this toxic cycle and passing on the responsibilities to their own children is too high. For many families and young adults, this is already their reality.
For the Children Who Feel Guilty
If you, as a child, have been in the crossfire of not earning enough for yourself or your own family and feeling guilty for not being able to give back to your parents, I hope you try as much as you can to start freeing yourself from the guilt over a responsibility that is not yours in the first place.
Children who feel guilty over this are children who have at some point in their lives or are continuously assuming the responsibility of their parent. The video below describes this perfectly:
@just.jo.things Parenting a parent #parentrole #parentingaparent #familydynamics #familydrama ♬ Yellow - Instrumental - Piano Dreamers
Feeling guilty for not being able to provide is a parent role. If you are feeling this as a child, you may have been stuck in that role all your life.
I hope one day, you too, will be able to start to free yourself and take off that load of guilt you have been carrying all your life.
Cutting The Cycle
Many people say that we should be celebrating the gold medals the athlete won for the country, and this issue should not be dragged through the mud. I do agree that their family issue is something that should have been dealt with publicly.
However, what this issue brought to light was the many sentiments from the children, who are just so exhausted from carrying a similar type of responsibility all their lives.
Many people say that we should be celebrating the gold medals the athlete won for the country, and this issue should not be dragged through the mud. I do agree that their family issue is something that should have been dealt with publicly.
However, what this issue brought to light was the many sentiments from the children, who are just so exhausted from carrying a similar type of responsibility all their lives.
I hope this is not something we aim to pass on to our future children, even though we are also very aware that cutting this cycle takes so much. Wanting to do something to get out of this toxic generational curse will risk someone being demonised across an entire family tree. But just imagine the reward of being able to start a new path for yourself or your own future family. A path where you take on the responsibility for your own adult life and choices. A future where your children, if you choose to do so, are able to build their own futures because they are not carrying the toxic burden of utang na loob.
This is a very uncomfortable topic, and if somehow the Facebook keyboard warriors find their way here, I know this will leave a sour taste in their mouths. I do stand on this, and I will continue to believe that, for goodness' sake, let your children be children.
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