Things I Wish I Knew as a Teenager

I have tried to write about this a few times, but I ended up trashing my drafts. I thought I'd write this as some sort of retrospection or something that answers the question:

"If I can speak to my younger self, what would I tell her?"

Then I kept realising that my foolish younger self would never listen to anyone because she thought she knew better. So I just placed this topic in the backburner until today (as I'm writing this) that an epiphany came to me: if my younger self is stubborn, so am I today. And here we are.

Nobody had to pick me

It was a struggle to find friends who knew and accepted me as I was. In high school, I could count my friends with just one hand. I craved love and acceptance, even in the most toxic way possible. I wish I knew that I didn't have to lose my identity, hide, or change the things I like in order to fit in. It wasn't too bad not to fit in. Maybe it just wasn't the right environment for me to meet the people who I genuinely connected with and will be friends with for life.

Where to ask for help

When I was at a stage of raging hormones and identity crises, I grasped on to anything and anyone who offered me help. I didn't think about how I was being treated. I took unfair treatment and hurtful words as fair exchange for the good favour I received. I placed people on pedestals despite them being the source of my pain. I looked up the wrong sources. I thought that help equated with purely good intentions, so I should take everything that came with it. I did not recognise trauma because, in my mind, it was what I deserved. 

I wasn't just sad

I was depressed. I was angry. I was in control. An unknown mental illness was dictating my life. I didn't know it then because there was no name for it. Mental health wasn't a topic of discussion on a rural island. I thought I was just a problematic little teenager. I thought I was just sad. I needed help that a simple prayer or a cheesy Tumbler quote could cure. 

Not to let others take over 

My insecurity led me to believe that I was not capable of making my own decisions. I let other people tell me what I liked and what I could and could not do. Of course, I was a teenager, and legally, I needed adults to guide me. However, I wish I knew that even that legality is not absolute. As young as I was, I was also my own person, with my own passions and preferences. I wish I knew that my opinion and my own character had the most say in what happens in my life. I didn't know much, but that also did not mean I knew nothing at all.

Things happen at the right time

I didn't know why I wanted to rush things so much. I wanted to grow up fast and see the world much faster. I wanted the adult privileges, but I did not see the blessing of being young and carefree. I did not slow down and think about the present. I didn't give much thought to what I could do as a teenager that would positively benefit my adulthood. Maybe if I knew how to slow down and had understood that things would happen in their own time, maybe I would have taken more sure steps or taken the time to unravel the threads of my youth.